Negative & Violent

Ok, this is seemingly less emotionally expressed compared to how I would verbally phrase things, but this will have to do.

I'm tired. More tired than I can understand. How at such a young age I could be so tired of the daily grind astounds me almost. If I could leave this all behind, I would. I would.

Senior year is nothing like it should be. At least not how I thought it should be. Aside from transcripts still not being in the Florida system from Oklahoma, i'm making due with what little knowledge I have of my grades. I have to take 3 online classes: Personal Fitness, Economics, and most likely geometry. Aside from the newly added elective I also now have Spanish I. And due to my stupidity and inability to grasp a language I now have no way of getting 2 years of a language to go to a 4-year university. So I have to settle for a community college in, where I can make up the second language there. There goes a lot of my planning. Also, my Analysis Of Functions class is beyond me. I never understood how stupid I was. I seriously don't know anything. I write down everything, and no matter what the numbers just make no sense to me. I don't know how i'm going to survive this year. I'm scared I won't honestly. What the fuck will I do then? I'm heading there, where ever there is. And I know where it is actually. Nowhere. Aside from school, being home doesn't find me any solace either. I bear too much, and it's my fault. Thats how life works. You take responsibility. It's just too much all the time. I don't have my friends, not even playing music with anyone, or late nights and pizza. I don't get to sit on porch's and talk. I don't even think this is how my life should be. Not me. Not Eli.

I'm slowly becoming annoyed with people. I just want to get my life straight before adding new variables into the equation. Everyone is always everywhere and these are the moments where I just need them to be nowhere, and now.

As you can tell, today is not my best day. Not even a good day. I've been having bad days for months. Deep down they've always just been bad on top of bad. Even my good days were bad, but saying so didn't make them any better. It's just easier to say it's good because people ask less questions. Questions, oh how I loathe them.

I figure if I said half the things I felt and thought about myself and my status here on Earth i'd have to be reported to some counselor and to my parent. I'm making it by in life for everyone else. And at this point i'm not even making it by, but i'm alive for everyone else.

Thats the best way to put it. I'm alive for everyone else. I don't want to do anything anymore. Sleeping is the best time's i'll experience. Honest. Even then, I sleep maybe 5-6 hours because my brain is just dreading waking up. I don't know what to do with myself. I hate senior year. I hate the year 2010. I pray for 2012.

Listen to The Strokes album: Is This It?

It's wonderful. I recommend headphones.