Imaginary Enemy

I'm in this place in my life where everything starts to change without you. When you hold on to the past too long and soon enough the future is at your front door. It's a broken down home that even Coldplay can't sum up in some deep, moving, and outstandingly creative gesture of a song. In this place all time is wasted time. Every morning is a repetitious blur of laying in bed for a good 2 hours after i've already woken up and finding the friend-gone-enemy hobo on my living room couch with his translucent sidekick 'stripper'. Here, i'm always shaking. I don't know if its the cold or the bone chilling thought that I may stay like this forever. I definitely have gotten tired of the aroma of dog and cat urine displacing itself at any means of my home. I just don't want to wake up to all this shit, you know? I find myself filling time with Ed Norton films and imagining what life would have been like if I kept doing karate as a kid, or if I could have special super powers. My time, the wasted time, is mostly filled with thoughts of magic and things more astounding than this world. The kind of things that would make most of this seem worth it. Like, maybe if you endure enough some mythical adventure bores pity on you for it. Too bad that's never true.

Anthony Green has been a favorite of mine, as much a singer as a lyricist. I think he gets as close to wording an indescribable emotion as possible. With that being said, there's no feeling of more loss or hopelessness when someone says they understand when you know they can't and never will or can or could fathom to. As much as you or they want ( or need), just so for a moment your not alone, it just doesn't happen.

I don't know depression. I feel like maybe i've been living with it for such a long while that i've misconstrued its place in emotions as normal. I was told by someone that I am the kind of person who walks around with a fake smile, tricking, fooling people into thinking i'm happy. And that i'm good at it. So good that I believe it too. Also that people admire that. You know, to always have your chin up? I think your a fool if you do.

Wanna hear something crazy weird. It's been a long time since i've felt focused, or better yet.. in a state of realization. The feeling of finally understanding what your doing. All this understanding came from when I was stashing, but took a peek, at a Smith & Wesson pistol. Full clip. Realization.

How long is it until a want becomes a need? Does that transition ever happen?